Horny Monkey Blog

Why Feminists Won't Have Sex With Losers

Desmond Morris is an ethologist. That means he studies animal behavior. I can’t find the citation right now, but he witnessed a café scene where a group of single women were complaining about the lack of eligible bachelors in their city. They were complaining right in front of the eligible bachelors who were bussing their table. The young, nubile bus boys didn’t even register on the radar.

     What if the diners were men, and the bus boys were bus girls? You think the men would notice?

Why Do Sperm-Spreaders Fall In Love?

In all species, whichever sex reproduces faster ends up being aggressive and slutty. Whichever sex reproduces slowest ends up being choosy and child-rearing. The fast reproducers are almost always male, and the slow reproducers are almost always female, except in the case of the seahorse and a certain type of duck, where the females act macho and strut around and chase ass while the male is brooding over the eggs. In general though, males reproduce the fastest. Therefore, the stakes are higher for males, because sperm-spreaders can reproduce a whole heck of a lot, or not at all. The competition is fierce. That’s why males of most species evolve to be aggressive, horny, and power mad. All they care about is spreading sperm.

But there is a saving grace, and that’s long childhoods.

The Joe Quirk Secret To Being The Husband Every Woman Dreams Of

Men think marriage is complicated.  It's not complicated.  It's simple. Women ask my wife how she managed to land such a perfect husband.  Men ask me to share my secret to success.

The "Joe Quirk Secret To Being The Husband Every Woman Dreams Of" is simple, easy to understand, guaranteed to work, and takes about thirty seconds to learn (ten seconds to study, twenty seconds to contemplate).  And it's free.

I'd like to share it with you.

Repeat after me:

"Yes, Dear."

"Whatever you think, dear."

"It makes you look skinny."

"Pink shirt?  Why yes, I'd love to wear a pink shirt."

"Another headache?  Of course I understand!"

"You want me to hold your purse in front of my buddies while you go the ladies room?  Are you kidding?  I'd love to!"

Now pat yourself on the back and keep your mouth shut.

Halle Berry, Sophia Bush, and Jennifer Aniston aren’t Beautiful or Rich enough to keep a man.

Halle Berry has had more rebounds than Boris Diaw. If only she was more beautiful and more rich, maybe she would finally keep a guy.

Britney’s husband K-Fed still goes to clubs.  Maybe a little more beauty and wealth will win his heart.

Hey Jude, neither Sienna nor Sadie could get in your heart.  Weren’t they rich and beautiful enough?

Ladies, you want to be cherished, loved, adored? 

Beauty will get you attention.  It will not get you love.

Movie stars are some of the most beautiful, wealthy, attention-grabbing people in the world. And they can’t work out a marriage. They can’t stay off drugs. If you see a divorced skinny person on drugs, you can bet they’re not happy. Why? Because all they got is wealth, fame, and beauty. What is missing?

Let’s check evolutionary biology.

Think Halle Berry and Rebecca Romijn are Kinky? Try The Pocupine

Maybe it should be called XXX Men. Halle Berry revealed she enjoys leather mutant sex in her Storm outfit with Gabriel Aubry. Rebecca Romijn revealed she liked being a dominatrix and sex in public.

Kinky?

Compared to porcupines, this stuff is vanilla.

The Weight of Your Balls Tells You Everything You Need to Know About Female Promiscuity

In any mammal, the more the female cheats, the larger the male’s testicles. Say a female chimp has sex with 2 males the same day. The sperm of those rival males have to fight it out inside her to win the egg. The more sperm you can produce, the better your chances of overwhelming the other guy’s troops. The bigger your testicles, the more sperm you can produce. Biologists can literally measure the promiscuity of the female by weighing the male’s balls

Gorillas have teeny tiny tidbits for testicles. That’s because female gorillas are faithful to the alpha male. Chimpanzees have gigantic testicles. That’s because chimpettes sneak extra nookie on the side.

Want to know where your testicles fall on the graph? Click on my Secret Chapter for Men.

There is no such thing as a nature/nurture debate

There is no such thing as a nature/nurture debate. It’s something that caught on in the media because it rhymes. You can’t have one without the other. A gene can only work in an environment that triggers it to turn on. An environment can only express it’s influence through an animal by turning genes on and off. You can’t impose a culture on a rock. You can only impose culture on an animal designed by genes to learn from culture.

Genes don’t just build your body, wind you up, then sit back and watch you run. Genes switch on and off in response to your environment. The only way an animal can learn something is to switch genes on and off.