Horny Monkey Blog

Galileo, Einstein, and Quirk. Who's Smartest?

       

Galileo showed us that the universe is written in the language of mathematics. Einstein unlocked the secrets of gravity, time, and space. Now I, Joe Quirk, am revealing the next great mystery of the universe: women.
        Einstein and Galileo seemed smart. But they both had disastrous relationships with women. Galileo abandoned his wife and put his daughters in a convent. Einstein wrote a friend that he “survived the Nazi time and two wives."
            What a pair of morons.

How I Trick My Wife Into Giving Me Sex, Using My Superior Male Brain

I’ve found ways to manipulate my wife without her even realizing it. I am able to pick up on subtle cues. For instance, when she says, “Oo, baby, when you take out the garbage, it makes me hot,” I grab the smelly bag and strut out the door, knowing I just increased my chances of getting some nooky that night. (And women think men are stupid. Ha!)

How To Spell My Name

My publicist informs me that a free daily newspaper is doing a feature on me.  Great, I say.  Journalist calls me up and asks first question.  I say, "Men have a question.  Sex is fun, so why don't women-- " and she says "Hang on."  Then I listen to her typing.  Then she says, "Okay, then what after the women?"  I start answering her questions like a robot on Quaaludes while she types and keeps saying, "Hang on. So what was it?"  I asked her if she has a tape recorder. She says, 'No, I usually do it like this."  Twenty minutes to do a five minute interview.

So she emails me the "transcript."  Incomplete sentences, sentence fragments with no punctuation, blatant mishearings of what I said.  She has to submit it to the paper by tomorrow.  She says she also has to write a "sidebar" that's funny, and she doesn't know what to do.

I say okay.  How many words do you need?  I rewrite the entire interview, rephrase her questions, write witty informative replies.  I compose 3 sidebars for her to choose from.  I email the whole thing back to her in 3 hours.

She emails me back.  "Thanks for making my job so much easier." I reply, "Hey, I know how it is for you guys under deadline."  I pat myself on the back, satisfied that I had controlled the article by taking work off the journalist's hands.

Paper comes out.  Circulation in the millions. The whole thing is exactly what I wrote.  But my name is "Joe Quick."  The only thing the journalist wrote was the title to the side bar, which she called "Quick Answers."  The dimwit was emailing me at joequirk.com. The article has since been syndicated in Canada, the widest circulation the book has ever received, about a wacky sperm guy named "Joe Quick."

Am I Sexist? My Objective Opinion

When people say my evolutionary biology theories are sexist, I become morally indignant. I’m writing this book primarily to foster love and understanding between the sexes. Well, actually, I’m writing this book primarily to get money and sex, but secondarily to create equal rights for men and women. Wait, secondarily, I wanted to prove my ex-girlfriend wrong, but thirdondarily, I’m writing this book to encourage harmony and mutual respect between women and men. And that’s tied for third for revenge on my tenth grade guidance councilor, who said I can’t have a career as a smart-ass. Where’s your guidance now, Mr. Elbow Patches?

I wrote my book out of compassion for the truly powerless and oppressed: writers.

So what are you waiting for? See the little “Buy the book” icon next to the pink egg? Click, dear reader! Click like the wind! Did you see my mother’s review on amazon? I need all the sales I can get to pay for therapy! Why are you still reading my blog? I’m broke! Click! Click! For the love of all that’s holy, click!

Turkey's Make Great Wingmen

Man, when I was single trying to meet women in bars, I wish I had a few of these turkeys to back me up.

These turkeys help the oldest brother get nookie.

While head bro is courting the female, his brothers strut around like backup dancers. Meanwhile, the eldest turkey gets to be MC Hammer. Any other turkeys try to take the stage, his posse of brothers chases them off.

I have 4 younger brothers, and they never once did that for me.