Horny Monkey Blog

2 Reasons You Shouldn't Cheat On Your Wife

I was at Burning Man.  Hot naked chick hit on me.  I'm married.  I was in the middle of a desert.  Nobody would ever know. 

I said, "No, thank you."

There are 2 reasons to walk away from the hot naked Burning Man chick.  I call them the Selfish Reason and the Love Reason.

Selfish Reason:  I have love in my life, and I'm not going to jeapordise that for a peice of ass.

Love Reason:  I love and respect my wife, and I would never do something to hurt her.

Guys, read that over, twice.  Somebody needs to state the obvious.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

A web site called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" is using evolutionary psychology to help men succeed with women has started a discussion about my book.  Thanks Hans, for getting the debate started.  In answer to some of the posts:  Of course all men don't fall into 2 catergories:  Bad Boy and Nice Guy.  We are all the descendants of men who succeeded at the whole range of roles, so we all inherit genes for the urges to act like any kind of man.  Yet we wait for our social environment to dictate what kind of strategy is best to pursue.  I myself have been treated like Nice Guy and Bad Boy by different women who evoke different sides of me.  The point is that women inherit different breeding strategies because of two different reproductive needs:  good genes and good nests.  The best nest might come from her husband.  The best genes might come from somebody else's husband.  It's hard to get both in the same man.
These urges separable in women's brains.  What turns a woman on about a one-night stand is often the opposite of what excites them about a potential husband.  I explain these differences in my presentation.

Scientists Have Discovered the Food That Makes Women Lose Interest in Sex

It's called wedding cake. 

According to researchers in Germany writing for the journal Human Nature, a woman's sex drive begins to plummet once she is in a secure relationship.  "Conversely, the team found a man's libido remains the same no matter how long he's been in a relationship."

I learned from my personal experience that the best way to keep a relationship hot was to keep it unstable.  My hypothesis (unsupported) is that sex consumes a lot of precious calories, and for a woman it's worth the extravagance of mindblowing nookie to secure a pair-bond.  Once secured, those calories are better invested in nest-building and mothering.  A person who willl give birth and nurse a baby can't serve two masters.

Men don't have wombs and produce virtually infinite sperm. It's always in their best interests to have some ready to shoot.  Why not?  They lose little by shooting.

Want hot sex from a woman?  Keep the relationship psycho.  It worked for me when I was single.  I had many long-term non-monogamous relationships that remained erotic right up until the moment she tried to claw my eyes out.  It costs a lot in therapy, but boy is it sexy.

Want love and contentment?  Dump the psycho and build a nest.  You get to have steady sex with somebody who is not trying to claw your eyes out.  Plus you get to have breakfast without any coffee cups aimed at your head.

And there's nothing like reading a book, in bed, next to somebody you love.

Family Photos

These are relatives of mine I left behind in the home country.  Now they are living and dying in a war they have nothing to do with.  See if you spot the family resemblance.

Thanks, Ormond, for sending the link.

Why Steve-O Is Not A Girl

Darwin Awards are issued to people who do things so stupid they kill themselves and do us all the favor of removing themselves from the gene pool.

Percentage of Darwin Awards given to males:  100%
Percentage of Darwin Awards given to females:  0%

Jackass is a popular TV show and movie where people like Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O are filmed hurting themselves.

Percentage of Jackass stars who are male:  100%
Percentage of Jackass stars who are female:  0%

The show is so popular, sometimes children and adults copy it and get seriously hurt.

Percentage of injured Jackass copycats who are male:  100%
Percentage of of injured Jackass copycats who are female:  0%

             This will all be explained in my next book.

Louann Brizendine uses her brain to study itself

 "Mind. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. It's chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with." Ambrose Bierce

Neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine uses 20 years of experience to show the unique talents of the female brain in her book entitled ... hang on, let me check .... oh, "The Female Brain."  Turns out talking with friends gives teenager girls a "huge" dopamine and oxytocin rush which, says Brizendine "gives you the biggest, fattest neurological reward you can get outside of an orgasm."

Talking second best to orgasm.  That explains teenage girls.  And my wife.  My research told me women produce 6000 to 8000 words a day, and men produce 2000 to 4000 words a day ... But Dr. Brizendine says women produce 20,000 words a day and men 7000!!   I'll have to look into that and see how it's counted.

Check her out:
http://www.ucsf.edu/brizlab/

What Do Gays Have That We Don't Have?

People want to be loved, and they want to get laid. But they look at the opposite sex and find that a very hard thing to do.

Gay men don’t have trouble getting sex. Why not? Men and men agree that sex feels good. Ladies, what are you afraid of?

Lesbian women don’t have much trouble committing. Why not? Everybody wants love. Put two people who both want love get together, what’s the problem? Guys, what are you afraid of?

Why does it take so much work to get a guy to love you enough to stick with you? Why does it take so much work to get a woman to have sex with you? Don’t we all want to be loved? Aren’t we all want to get laid? Can’t we work this out?

What do gay people have that we don’t have?

Human nature has been discovered,

Women Store Fat On Their Butts and Thighs, and They Should Be Thankful

You lucky, lucky women.  Birth for other animals is not that painful.  Birth for women is extremely painful.

Of course, if men gave birth, we wouldn’t even whine. I’d be just like John Wayne getting the bullet cut out of his leg in the Alamo movie.  Making jokes and commanding the troops.

I can’t listen to anyone whine about pain who doesn’t have testicles. Try getting a fastball in the nads, then we’ll talk about pain.

Birth is painful for women because our brains are big. The fossil record shows that as our brains got bigger, women’s hips got wider. Men evolved to be attracted to hourglass shapes, because it shows off a woman’s big-head birthing talents. Women evolved to put fat on their butts and thighs to exaggerate hip size. Big hips and small waists became a “sexually selected trait”– which means it evolved to turn on men.

By putting fat down low, women avoid the heart strain that men suffer from. All our weight on our bellies is hard on our hearts. The lower you store your fat, the better it is for your heart. Estrogen pushes all your fat to your butts and thighs. Thighs account for one-quarter of a woman’s weight. You lucky women! Always getting all the breaks!

Why Women Cheat

Because children take so long to raise, women inherited 2 needs: good nests, and good genes. The best nest might come from your husband. The best genes might come from somebody else’s husband. It’s hard to get both in the same man. Psychologists ran an experiment where the showed a man’s face that by computer trickery they could masculinize or feminize. They showed a range of these faces to a whole bunch of women, and asked them: What kind of guy they would like to marry? The women in general said they wanted the mildly masculine but slightly feminine face, which suggests he doesn’t have too much testosterone and might be a nurturing father figure. When you inject screech owls with testosterone, it makes them less interested in their young and more interested in picking fights with other males.

Then they asked another group of women which kind of guy they would like to have a one-stand with. The women said, “Gasp! Well I never!” so they said, “Okay, if somebody put a gun to your head and said you had to do one of these guys, which one would it be?” Even those women in general chose the rugged hypermasculine face.

What you see here are divergent desires: A strategy for nest-makers and a strategy for sexy genes.

Married women are more likely to cheat when they ovulate, and they are more likely to have simultaneous orgasms when they cheat than when they are having sex with their husbands. And adultery sex retains three times more sperm than married sex.