Horny Monkey Blog

Beautiful Women Are the Loneliest People In The World

 

 Beautiful women are the loneliest people in the world.  Nobody knows that, because it’s very hard to get to know a beautiful woman. Guys hit on them. Women compete with them. Everybody they meet is visibly reacting to the fact that they are beautiful.

 Nobody sees past their beauty and gets to know the real person. They can’t talk to anybody about this problem, because we schlumps say, “Oh, cry me a river. It must be tough being gorgeous. Would you rather have my ass?”

 And they wouldn’t, because beautiful women know why everybody pays attention to them. They never get to develop other parts of their character, because all their approval has come from being beautiful.

 Yet they know it won’t last forever. And they don’t know who they’ll be when that’s no longer there. So they cling to it as much as they can.
 Every beautiful woman staring into the eyes of a man thinks the same thing: “Do they love the real me? Or just because I’m beautiful?”

 They can’t get credit for their accomplishments, because they know everybody looks at them and says, “Yeah, sure. You’re just a trophy wife.” “I know why you got this job.” Nobody will listen to a beautiful woman complain that she doesn’t feel noticed.

 If you’re a beautiful women, it’s so hard to make friends. Every women friend has issues with the fact that you get all the attention. So you can only hang out with other beautiful women who understand. Then people say you’re a snob. There’s no way to reach across their beauty and say, “I’m human. I’m not just a piece of ass to diddle, guys. I’m not just a glamorous snob. I have feelings, insecurities. What happens when I no longer look like this?”

 “Yeah cry me a river, Kate Moss.”

 So, they take drugs, starve themselves, and get divorced.

 Which would you rather be? Ugly and sure you’re really loved? Or beautiful and never trusting that you are loved for you?

 Trust me. You do not want to be beautiful.

Would you cheat on Christie Brinkley?

If your wife was a supermodel, would you cheat on her?

Paul Cook would, especially if she’s a 19-year old aspiring actress who needs his connections.

Man, this story has got it all: Powerful Husband hires hottie as “personal assistant.” Gorgeous multimillionaire supermodel 3 decades past her prime getting her man swiped by an obscure broke girl whose only asset is her nineteenness. Young teen seduced by old man’s power. Cop stepfather confronting Husband in front of his wife saying “Stay away from my daughter.” All the universal themes are there. They play out in every culture.

You don’t hear many stories about old powerful married women seducing young nubile boys. Nor do you hear much about young nubile 19-year-old boys swooning for older powerful women. Wives tend not to risk their families for a fling with their teenage personal assistant, and mothers tend not to publicly face-off with their son’s mistresses with the implied threat of violence.

Biology's themes:  Fathers protecting daughter’s wombs from other men. Husbands sneaking sperm into wombs on the side. Young girls attaching their wombs to the resources of powerful men. This stuff dramatic because these are universal themes in virtually all human cultures, and it’s all because one sex has a womb and the other spreads sperm.

I quote this guy in Chapter 27 of my book, called “Bimbos and Cuckolds: What Makes Us Jealous.” 

“In every culture in the world ... sex is seen as a service provided by females to males. In every culture, men are more violently jealous than women. All over the world, men are aroused more quickly than women, and men in every culture are more aroused by visual stimuli than women. The average husband is universally older than his wife, and the average man is universally more aggressive than the average woman. In every culture in the world, nubility is seen as a central attribute of female attractiveness for men, and high status is seen as a central attribute of male attractiveness for women.”

---James Lett (1997) Science, Reason, and Anthropology: The Principles of Rational Inquiry.

Lanham, Maryland: Rowman and Littlefield.

The FOX News Version of my science book

I'd like to teach the biology of relationships in schools, but my publicist tells me Christian schools don't want a book with sperm on it.

So I figured I'd tailor my titles to different markets.  For instance, when I appear on Fox News, the title of my book will be:

"Men Are Right-Brained, Women Are Wrong-Brained: A Husband's Fair and Balanced View of the Nagging Sex."

Luckily Fox doesn't hire fact-checkers, so I should be able to get away with this.

When I appear on NPR, I don't want to offend those mamby-pamby liberals, so I'll call my book:

"Men Are Equal, Women Are Equal: No Book Necessary."

I'll have to check with the politically correct police to see if I have to change that to "uterusly challenged" and "ball-less persons," but I think they'll let it slide.

Marc Rudov says women who demand free dinner are prostitutes

My problem with Marc Rudov’s thesis is twofold: Number one, what he’s complaining about just hasn’t been my experience. Number two, he bases all his beliefs about women on his personal anecdotes.

Marc was divorced a decade ago, and after 10 years of dating and is fed up with women expecting him to pick up the check. He’s written a book about women’s sense of entitlement, The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide To Women: How To Succeed in Romance On Planet Earth.

I’ve been dating for the same 10 years and got married last year. What’s Marc is so angry about just hasn’t been my experience. Women on dates with me have paid for my dinner. Women usually “go Dutch” and pay for half. I dated one woman who enjoyed the traditional gesture of me paying, but then she insisted on paying for drinks and a lavish tip. Then we went home and had sex. In my experience, women have already on their own initiative done what Marc is calling for.

Maybe the difference is that for the last 10 years I was a broke writer in his thirties, and Marc was an investment banker in his forties. I hear good investment bankers make good money. Maybe Marc is attracting gold diggers.

Marc took a gentle swipe against San Francisco gender benders in the video he features on his web site, and another swipe against protestors. During my 10 years of dating, I lived in Berkeley, the protest capital of the world, and I know a few gender benders in San Francisco. If Marc lived in my demographic, he would find women who pay for his dinner.

Charlie and Denise throw feces, Tom and Katie pick lice …Same Thing, Says Biologists

First thing I need you to understand: If you are not a virgin, you schtupped a monkey. Take away the talk, take away the technology, and your mate is a naked chimp.

The reason your brain evolved to be big is to gossip Charlie and Denise, Tom and Katie. Here’s my scientific proof.

Why Denise Richards Got Knocked Up By A Pervert (Twice)

Poor Denise Richards. She married an omni-addict because he promised that he’d changed, then noticed he was still a drug-whore-gambling-rage-aholic, then got knocked up by him, them left because of the drugging and whoring, then came back because he promised he changed, then got knocked up again, then had to leave when he drugged, whored, gambled, and threatened to kill her. It could happen to any girl. How was she supposed to know he was lying? If only there had been some sign!

Notice how humans act this stupid only when it comes to reproduction. I should know. I’ve been a male Denise Richards in my time. (Except without the looks, money, and breasts.)

Yet when I see a pit bull I want to pet with a sign over his head that says “Beware of Dog,” I don’t climb over the fence, get chomped, run away, then come back because he whimpers that he’s changed, then climb over the fence, then get chomped again, then complain to the world that I’m a victim.

And I sure as hell don’t get knocked up by the pitbull. Twice. No matter how cute he is. Even if I’m drunk. In the words of George Bush the Second: “Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.”

Why do so many people avoid these scenarios with pitbulls, explosives, and mousetraps, yet not with psychos who make us horny? Why do toddlers learn from painful mistakes, yet adults in love do not?

Tomkat!

Tom Cruise got a text message from Katie Holmes, and Diane Sawyer’s cameraman got a picture of it!Wow!

The guy next to me on the bus just got a text message.

Who cares?

Katie said “no baby action yet” and used an emoticon!

Wow!

The guy next to me on the bus said his wife had a baby yesterday and wants to tell me about it.

BOOOORING!!

The boring guy and I got off at the same bus stop. Turns out he’s my neighbor. How annoying. Now I have hear about his baby every time I see him. Can’t he see I’m trying to read about little Suri?
Why do you want to hear about Tom and Kate’s rich jet-flying baby and not Burt and Thelma’s broke bus-riding baby?

Because you’re a horny monkey.