Horny Monkey Blog

Scientists Have Discovered the Food That Makes Women Lose Interest in Sex

It's called wedding cake. 

According to researchers in Germany writing for the journal Human Nature, a woman's sex drive begins to plummet once she is in a secure relationship.  "Conversely, the team found a man's libido remains the same no matter how long he's been in a relationship."

I learned from my personal experience that the best way to keep a relationship hot was to keep it unstable.  My hypothesis (unsupported) is that sex consumes a lot of precious calories, and for a woman it's worth the extravagance of mindblowing nookie to secure a pair-bond.  Once secured, those calories are better invested in nest-building and mothering.  A person who willl give birth and nurse a baby can't serve two masters.

Men don't have wombs and produce virtually infinite sperm. It's always in their best interests to have some ready to shoot.  Why not?  They lose little by shooting.

Want hot sex from a woman?  Keep the relationship psycho.  It worked for me when I was single.  I had many long-term non-monogamous relationships that remained erotic right up until the moment she tried to claw my eyes out.  It costs a lot in therapy, but boy is it sexy.

Want love and contentment?  Dump the psycho and build a nest.  You get to have steady sex with somebody who is not trying to claw your eyes out.  Plus you get to have breakfast without any coffee cups aimed at your head.

And there's nothing like reading a book, in bed, next to somebody you love.

Family Photos

These are relatives of mine I left behind in the home country.  Now they are living and dying in a war they have nothing to do with.  See if you spot the family resemblance.

Thanks, Ormond, for sending the link.

Galileo, Einstein, and Quirk. Who's Smartest?

       

Galileo showed us that the universe is written in the language of mathematics. Einstein unlocked the secrets of gravity, time, and space. Now I, Joe Quirk, am revealing the next great mystery of the universe: women.
        Einstein and Galileo seemed smart. But they both had disastrous relationships with women. Galileo abandoned his wife and put his daughters in a convent. Einstein wrote a friend that he “survived the Nazi time and two wives."
            What a pair of morons.

Why Steve-O Is Not A Girl

Darwin Awards are issued to people who do things so stupid they kill themselves and do us all the favor of removing themselves from the gene pool.

Percentage of Darwin Awards given to males:  100%
Percentage of Darwin Awards given to females:  0%

Jackass is a popular TV show and movie where people like Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O are filmed hurting themselves.

Percentage of Jackass stars who are male:  100%
Percentage of Jackass stars who are female:  0%

The show is so popular, sometimes children and adults copy it and get seriously hurt.

Percentage of injured Jackass copycats who are male:  100%
Percentage of of injured Jackass copycats who are female:  0%

             This will all be explained in my next book.

Why Feminists Won't Have Sex With Losers

Desmond Morris is an ethologist. That means he studies animal behavior. I can’t find the citation right now, but he witnessed a café scene where a group of single women were complaining about the lack of eligible bachelors in their city. They were complaining right in front of the eligible bachelors who were bussing their table. The young, nubile bus boys didn’t even register on the radar.

     What if the diners were men, and the bus boys were bus girls? You think the men would notice?

How I Trick My Wife Into Giving Me Sex, Using My Superior Male Brain

I’ve found ways to manipulate my wife without her even realizing it. I am able to pick up on subtle cues. For instance, when she says, “Oo, baby, when you take out the garbage, it makes me hot,” I grab the smelly bag and strut out the door, knowing I just increased my chances of getting some nooky that night. (And women think men are stupid. Ha!)

Why Do Sperm-Spreaders Fall In Love?

In all species, whichever sex reproduces faster ends up being aggressive and slutty. Whichever sex reproduces slowest ends up being choosy and child-rearing. The fast reproducers are almost always male, and the slow reproducers are almost always female, except in the case of the seahorse and a certain type of duck, where the females act macho and strut around and chase ass while the male is brooding over the eggs. In general though, males reproduce the fastest. Therefore, the stakes are higher for males, because sperm-spreaders can reproduce a whole heck of a lot, or not at all. The competition is fierce. That’s why males of most species evolve to be aggressive, horny, and power mad. All they care about is spreading sperm.

But there is a saving grace, and that’s long childhoods.

Beautiful Women Are the Loneliest People In The World

 

 Beautiful women are the loneliest people in the world.  Nobody knows that, because it’s very hard to get to know a beautiful woman. Guys hit on them. Women compete with them. Everybody they meet is visibly reacting to the fact that they are beautiful.

 Nobody sees past their beauty and gets to know the real person. They can’t talk to anybody about this problem, because we schlumps say, “Oh, cry me a river. It must be tough being gorgeous. Would you rather have my ass?”

 And they wouldn’t, because beautiful women know why everybody pays attention to them. They never get to develop other parts of their character, because all their approval has come from being beautiful.

 Yet they know it won’t last forever. And they don’t know who they’ll be when that’s no longer there. So they cling to it as much as they can.
 Every beautiful woman staring into the eyes of a man thinks the same thing: “Do they love the real me? Or just because I’m beautiful?”

 They can’t get credit for their accomplishments, because they know everybody looks at them and says, “Yeah, sure. You’re just a trophy wife.” “I know why you got this job.” Nobody will listen to a beautiful woman complain that she doesn’t feel noticed.

 If you’re a beautiful women, it’s so hard to make friends. Every women friend has issues with the fact that you get all the attention. So you can only hang out with other beautiful women who understand. Then people say you’re a snob. There’s no way to reach across their beauty and say, “I’m human. I’m not just a piece of ass to diddle, guys. I’m not just a glamorous snob. I have feelings, insecurities. What happens when I no longer look like this?”

 “Yeah cry me a river, Kate Moss.”

 So, they take drugs, starve themselves, and get divorced.

 Which would you rather be? Ugly and sure you’re really loved? Or beautiful and never trusting that you are loved for you?

 Trust me. You do not want to be beautiful.

Louann Brizendine uses her brain to study itself

 "Mind. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. It's chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with." Ambrose Bierce

Neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine uses 20 years of experience to show the unique talents of the female brain in her book entitled ... hang on, let me check .... oh, "The Female Brain."  Turns out talking with friends gives teenager girls a "huge" dopamine and oxytocin rush which, says Brizendine "gives you the biggest, fattest neurological reward you can get outside of an orgasm."

Talking second best to orgasm.  That explains teenage girls.  And my wife.  My research told me women produce 6000 to 8000 words a day, and men produce 2000 to 4000 words a day ... But Dr. Brizendine says women produce 20,000 words a day and men 7000!!   I'll have to look into that and see how it's counted.

Check her out:
http://www.ucsf.edu/brizlab/

Would you cheat on Christie Brinkley?

If your wife was a supermodel, would you cheat on her?

Paul Cook would, especially if she’s a 19-year old aspiring actress who needs his connections.

Man, this story has got it all: Powerful Husband hires hottie as “personal assistant.” Gorgeous multimillionaire supermodel 3 decades past her prime getting her man swiped by an obscure broke girl whose only asset is her nineteenness. Young teen seduced by old man’s power. Cop stepfather confronting Husband in front of his wife saying “Stay away from my daughter.” All the universal themes are there. They play out in every culture.

You don’t hear many stories about old powerful married women seducing young nubile boys. Nor do you hear much about young nubile 19-year-old boys swooning for older powerful women. Wives tend not to risk their families for a fling with their teenage personal assistant, and mothers tend not to publicly face-off with their son’s mistresses with the implied threat of violence.

Biology's themes:  Fathers protecting daughter’s wombs from other men. Husbands sneaking sperm into wombs on the side. Young girls attaching their wombs to the resources of powerful men. This stuff dramatic because these are universal themes in virtually all human cultures, and it’s all because one sex has a womb and the other spreads sperm.

I quote this guy in Chapter 27 of my book, called “Bimbos and Cuckolds: What Makes Us Jealous.” 

“In every culture in the world ... sex is seen as a service provided by females to males. In every culture, men are more violently jealous than women. All over the world, men are aroused more quickly than women, and men in every culture are more aroused by visual stimuli than women. The average husband is universally older than his wife, and the average man is universally more aggressive than the average woman. In every culture in the world, nubility is seen as a central attribute of female attractiveness for men, and high status is seen as a central attribute of male attractiveness for women.”

---James Lett (1997) Science, Reason, and Anthropology: The Principles of Rational Inquiry.

Lanham, Maryland: Rowman and Littlefield.

Watch as Host Provokes Female Lynch Mob

What Do Gays Have That We Don't Have?

People want to be loved, and they want to get laid. But they look at the opposite sex and find that a very hard thing to do.

Gay men don’t have trouble getting sex. Why not? Men and men agree that sex feels good. Ladies, what are you afraid of?

Lesbian women don’t have much trouble committing. Why not? Everybody wants love. Put two people who both want love get together, what’s the problem? Guys, what are you afraid of?

Why does it take so much work to get a guy to love you enough to stick with you? Why does it take so much work to get a woman to have sex with you? Don’t we all want to be loved? Aren’t we all want to get laid? Can’t we work this out?

What do gay people have that we don’t have?

Human nature has been discovered,