Horny Monkey Blog

Halle Berry, Sophia Bush, and Jennifer Aniston aren’t Beautiful or Rich enough to keep a man.

Halle Berry has had more rebounds than Boris Diaw. If only she was more beautiful and more rich, maybe she would finally keep a guy.

Britney’s husband K-Fed still goes to clubs.  Maybe a little more beauty and wealth will win his heart.

Hey Jude, neither Sienna nor Sadie could get in your heart.  Weren’t they rich and beautiful enough?

Ladies, you want to be cherished, loved, adored? 

Beauty will get you attention.  It will not get you love.

Movie stars are some of the most beautiful, wealthy, attention-grabbing people in the world. And they can’t work out a marriage. They can’t stay off drugs. If you see a divorced skinny person on drugs, you can bet they’re not happy. Why? Because all they got is wealth, fame, and beauty. What is missing?

Let’s check evolutionary biology.

Think Halle Berry and Rebecca Romijn are Kinky? Try The Pocupine

Maybe it should be called XXX Men. Halle Berry revealed she enjoys leather mutant sex in her Storm outfit with Gabriel Aubry. Rebecca Romijn revealed she liked being a dominatrix and sex in public.

Kinky?

Compared to porcupines, this stuff is vanilla.

Am I Sexist? My Objective Opinion

When people say my evolutionary biology theories are sexist, I become morally indignant. I’m writing this book primarily to foster love and understanding between the sexes. Well, actually, I’m writing this book primarily to get money and sex, but secondarily to create equal rights for men and women. Wait, secondarily, I wanted to prove my ex-girlfriend wrong, but thirdondarily, I’m writing this book to encourage harmony and mutual respect between women and men. And that’s tied for third for revenge on my tenth grade guidance councilor, who said I can’t have a career as a smart-ass. Where’s your guidance now, Mr. Elbow Patches?

I wrote my book out of compassion for the truly powerless and oppressed: writers.

So what are you waiting for? See the little “Buy the book” icon next to the pink egg? Click, dear reader! Click like the wind! Did you see my mother’s review on amazon? I need all the sales I can get to pay for therapy! Why are you still reading my blog? I’m broke! Click! Click! For the love of all that’s holy, click!

The Weight of Your Balls Tells You Everything You Need to Know About Female Promiscuity

In any mammal, the more the female cheats, the larger the male’s testicles. Say a female chimp has sex with 2 males the same day. The sperm of those rival males have to fight it out inside her to win the egg. The more sperm you can produce, the better your chances of overwhelming the other guy’s troops. The bigger your testicles, the more sperm you can produce. Biologists can literally measure the promiscuity of the female by weighing the male’s balls

Gorillas have teeny tiny tidbits for testicles. That’s because female gorillas are faithful to the alpha male. Chimpanzees have gigantic testicles. That’s because chimpettes sneak extra nookie on the side.

Want to know where your testicles fall on the graph? Click on my Secret Chapter for Men.

Women Store Fat On Their Butts and Thighs, and They Should Be Thankful

You lucky, lucky women.  Birth for other animals is not that painful.  Birth for women is extremely painful.

Of course, if men gave birth, we wouldn’t even whine. I’d be just like John Wayne getting the bullet cut out of his leg in the Alamo movie.  Making jokes and commanding the troops.

I can’t listen to anyone whine about pain who doesn’t have testicles. Try getting a fastball in the nads, then we’ll talk about pain.

Birth is painful for women because our brains are big. The fossil record shows that as our brains got bigger, women’s hips got wider. Men evolved to be attracted to hourglass shapes, because it shows off a woman’s big-head birthing talents. Women evolved to put fat on their butts and thighs to exaggerate hip size. Big hips and small waists became a “sexually selected trait”– which means it evolved to turn on men.

By putting fat down low, women avoid the heart strain that men suffer from. All our weight on our bellies is hard on our hearts. The lower you store your fat, the better it is for your heart. Estrogen pushes all your fat to your butts and thighs. Thighs account for one-quarter of a woman’s weight. You lucky women! Always getting all the breaks!

Turkey's Make Great Wingmen

Man, when I was single trying to meet women in bars, I wish I had a few of these turkeys to back me up.

These turkeys help the oldest brother get nookie.

While head bro is courting the female, his brothers strut around like backup dancers. Meanwhile, the eldest turkey gets to be MC Hammer. Any other turkeys try to take the stage, his posse of brothers chases them off.

I have 4 younger brothers, and they never once did that for me.

Why Women Cheat

Because children take so long to raise, women inherited 2 needs: good nests, and good genes. The best nest might come from your husband. The best genes might come from somebody else’s husband. It’s hard to get both in the same man. Psychologists ran an experiment where the showed a man’s face that by computer trickery they could masculinize or feminize. They showed a range of these faces to a whole bunch of women, and asked them: What kind of guy they would like to marry? The women in general said they wanted the mildly masculine but slightly feminine face, which suggests he doesn’t have too much testosterone and might be a nurturing father figure. When you inject screech owls with testosterone, it makes them less interested in their young and more interested in picking fights with other males.

Then they asked another group of women which kind of guy they would like to have a one-stand with. The women said, “Gasp! Well I never!” so they said, “Okay, if somebody put a gun to your head and said you had to do one of these guys, which one would it be?” Even those women in general chose the rugged hypermasculine face.

What you see here are divergent desires: A strategy for nest-makers and a strategy for sexy genes.

Married women are more likely to cheat when they ovulate, and they are more likely to have simultaneous orgasms when they cheat than when they are having sex with their husbands. And adultery sex retains three times more sperm than married sex.

There is no such thing as a nature/nurture debate

There is no such thing as a nature/nurture debate. It’s something that caught on in the media because it rhymes. You can’t have one without the other. A gene can only work in an environment that triggers it to turn on. An environment can only express it’s influence through an animal by turning genes on and off. You can’t impose a culture on a rock. You can only impose culture on an animal designed by genes to learn from culture.

Genes don’t just build your body, wind you up, then sit back and watch you run. Genes switch on and off in response to your environment. The only way an animal can learn something is to switch genes on and off.

Marc Rudov says women who demand free dinner are prostitutes

My problem with Marc Rudov’s thesis is twofold: Number one, what he’s complaining about just hasn’t been my experience. Number two, he bases all his beliefs about women on his personal anecdotes.

Marc was divorced a decade ago, and after 10 years of dating and is fed up with women expecting him to pick up the check. He’s written a book about women’s sense of entitlement, The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide To Women: How To Succeed in Romance On Planet Earth.

I’ve been dating for the same 10 years and got married last year. What’s Marc is so angry about just hasn’t been my experience. Women on dates with me have paid for my dinner. Women usually “go Dutch” and pay for half. I dated one woman who enjoyed the traditional gesture of me paying, but then she insisted on paying for drinks and a lavish tip. Then we went home and had sex. In my experience, women have already on their own initiative done what Marc is calling for.

Maybe the difference is that for the last 10 years I was a broke writer in his thirties, and Marc was an investment banker in his forties. I hear good investment bankers make good money. Maybe Marc is attracting gold diggers.

Marc took a gentle swipe against San Francisco gender benders in the video he features on his web site, and another swipe against protestors. During my 10 years of dating, I lived in Berkeley, the protest capital of the world, and I know a few gender benders in San Francisco. If Marc lived in my demographic, he would find women who pay for his dinner.