First thing I need you to understand: If you are not a virgin, you schtupped a monkey. Take away the talk, take away the technology, and your mate is a naked chimp.
The reason your brain evolved to be big is to gossip Charlie and Denise, Tom and Katie. Here’s my scientific proof.
Poor Denise Richards. She married an omni-addict because he promised that he’d changed, then noticed he was still a drug-whore-gambling-rage-aholic, then got knocked up by him, them left because of the drugging and whoring, then came back because he promised he changed, then got knocked up again, then had to leave when he drugged, whored, gambled, and threatened to kill her. It could happen to any girl. How was she supposed to know he was lying? If only there had been some sign!
Notice how humans act this stupid only when it comes to reproduction. I should know. I’ve been a male Denise Richards in my time. (Except without the looks, money, and breasts.)
Yet when I see a pit bull I want to pet with a sign over his head that says “Beware of Dog,” I don’t climb over the fence, get chomped, run away, then come back because he whimpers that he’s changed, then climb over the fence, then get chomped again, then complain to the world that I’m a victim.
And I sure as hell don’t get knocked up by the pitbull. Twice. No matter how cute he is. Even if I’m drunk. In the words of George Bush the Second: “Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.”
Why do so many people avoid these scenarios with pitbulls, explosives, and mousetraps, yet not with psychos who make us horny? Why do toddlers learn from painful mistakes, yet adults in love do not?
Continue reading "Why Denise Richards Got Knocked Up By A Pervert (Twice)" »
Tom Cruise got a text message from Katie Holmes, and Diane Sawyer’s cameraman got a picture of it!Wow!
The guy next to me on the bus just got a text message.
Who cares?
Katie said “no baby action yet” and used an emoticon!
Wow!
The guy next to me on the bus said his wife had a baby yesterday and wants to tell me about it.
BOOOORING!!
The boring guy and I got off at the same bus stop. Turns out he’s my neighbor. How annoying. Now I have hear about his baby every time I see him. Can’t he see I’m trying to read about little Suri?
Why do you want to hear about Tom and Kate’s rich jet-flying baby and not Burt and Thelma’s broke bus-riding baby?
Because you’re a horny monkey.
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